My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
This is my favorite one of these!
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
