My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
You Might Also Like
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.