Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

seems fine

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL