My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Banking tips
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
smartest karate player in the world
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
