My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.