My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
They must have gotten it to go.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
