My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
a lot to unpack here
