My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”