My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.