My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]