My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.