My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history