Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

welp

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.