My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.