Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

That lamp looks PISSED.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5