Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

New mindset, who dis?

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.