My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
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Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
No. YOU-buprofen.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.