My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
🎵 I can’t wait to
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*