My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.