Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

I’m already scared

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

💀💀

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..