My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
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Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Current mood: Potato
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
