Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

welp

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

LOL

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*