My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
estão todos miauvindo?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.