Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

Natty or not?

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

We like the way Dwight thinks

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.