My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.