My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
my favorite genre of twitter
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”