Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I’ve had relationships like this
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
mathematically impossible
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
me before I type out affect or effect
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.