My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
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Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.