My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Today’s Times
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life