My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
calling in to work dehydrated
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle