Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

I am patiently waiting for your email

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.