My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
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CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Before & after 😅
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.