My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
.. do you even science?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO