Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”