Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

respect

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity