Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

I’ve had worse

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.