Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

The Friday File.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training