Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

This bar smells like my childhood.

🥲

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

new wife guy just dropped

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.