Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.