Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”