My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”