My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them