My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.