My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
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he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Fun Things
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.