my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
She: I like Cats
He:
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
This made me smile…
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
what kind of cook setting is this??
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.