my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You Might Also Like
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
yea so i messed up lol
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’