my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
somebody come look at this
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*