Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.