Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

Well, that should do it

the dark web is just a goth google.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.