My brain is a bad influence on me
You Might Also Like
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
This hospital has everything
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.