Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

they finally got him. they got macavity

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.