my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long