Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

I wish this was real life…

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite