Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Expectation:
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Reality:
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[30 mins later]
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(人＿＿つ_つ

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god