Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Frog purse.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…