Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

life lately

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

what?