Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.