Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

hi why am I like this

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

why no one uses midhusbands

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.