My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
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Body by Oreos
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Voting is the worst group project
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*