Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

#Caturday

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.