Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Me driving through Toronto