Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.