Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper