My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 馃様
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie鈥檚 dad has a boat.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I didn鈥檛 really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that鈥檚 scarier. What are they planning?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I鈥檓 ready for my comeback
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Two hundred dollars for a women鈥檚 blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Thoughts
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
