My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
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If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!