My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
