my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I have a type: disappointing
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean