Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right