My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
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My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it鈥檚 time to go to jail.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Last week a friend told me she鈥檚 looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she鈥檚 tired of the defiant stage. I鈥檓 still laughing.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
You don鈥檛 wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 馃槼馃憖
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.