My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
Dammit Chief not again
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
(2022)
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Look, a pure bread cat!
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.