My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
If my kids invented a drink.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Good morning.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
@funTweeters
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
