My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
what are they serving at kfc then???
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)