My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Just had my nails done!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Never ghost your hitman.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
