My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
