My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
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Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold