My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex